"She looks like you with sunglasses on."

And that was the closest I ever got. 

The bullet you are proud of. The bullet hole you are proud of. The difference between the two. 

I've spent the past 4 years discrediting 2012. It happened, it was something, it ended.

Finding little acclaim in what you've done. Been feeling so close to the year you were born. Proud of your patterns. Getting to understand my own desires. To finally realizing heaven is when I get to show you.

Indifferent until then.

"Think back to when you never cried. This would have made you cry, even then."

heaven is counting money but thinking of you.

-

slick sadist girl
left at dawn
a mist clung wind broken fuck

so i stay away
it's nothing personal
just how you look in the sun
lights the shade off my face
and i'll always remember what you are wearing
because i know you'd want me to remember what you were wearing

it's just not us
and in turn
our paths uncross


-

if i were to sing sweet again
and let her know
could a song
change her mind?

FOOLISH
FALLEN FOR A FOOL
GUESS I'M NOT THAT WISE

i spin it so i can sleep through it. but i don't sleep through it.

fool me when no one is around.

heaven is that sadist you adore.

heaven is the conspiracy that you have control over anything at all.

(March 2014)

what a beautiful love story.
heaven is getting to sleep through it.

you'd sigh and roll my t-shirt sleeves for me
i'd look at the ground
wondering if you were happy
in the background

from backseat driving to
backstreet driving

(greasy slick
back in her teens
but now i know that
consideration pales
in comparison
how happy is she
equals how happy are we)

love, everyone needs you here

my hands remember what yours do not.

you miss her in the hallway, but you are so proud of it.
you wake her in the hallway, but you are so proud of it.
you pass her in the hallway, but you are so proud of it.
you pay her in the hallway, but you are so proud of it.

you always stop traffic for the good men and women who breed roses.
you are in third person, ignoring me in your sleep.
you follow my absence around a room.
you make good people turn bad.
you feel different to me.
you are here for you.
you leave home.

i miss you in the sense that you've rented a car
went on a roadtrip by yourself and i am
waiting for you to come home
i am nearing the edge of my seat and i
cannot fathom another week of this
i pace like your thoroughbreds

the days yawn
weeks fly with the phone off
the ram came and went
my life wind
taken

the ram
the ram

rare lucid morning
reliance i cannot admit in daylight
taking lane changes personally
the sun hiding in my blind spot
and you're still window sill gone

following the zig zag neon down the street
they tossed christmas lights up
december 1st
just to seem engaged
      it's summer and the lights remain
      limelit and gleaming

what i'm trying to say is
i've memorized
your pattern
placid
polished it and knew
this will end poised
poorly
      obviously

i hate every person i've met
by accident
since you left.

i'm yelling at the tv
an athlete shares your name
and she's fucking up
for our country

i'm still trying
to lay the blame
somewhere

it's so thin
these days
yelling at a screen
at a name

i've gone steady with

writing non-fiction about 

how 

and when people turn bad

how

pretty your twin is

how 

she created

an exit wound

oh god

it's like going to church

just to hear a voice

that he might bathe me in white

light

and lie

pleased

you miss her in the hallway, but you are so proud of it.

"there were three types of her."

a coward.

"two left!"

...

"ah, you tried."

i hope your joints forgive me. better look deep into that life you are proud of. i did and my luck changed completely.

there is some person making noise in my mind. they are reciting lines. a scrapped scene from a play i wrote in my head a few weeks ago.

"i was speaking to you in sotto."

i sit back and listen to customer service buzz and yawn.

fear that all original thought
has left me and i'm meant to
write a repetition of what you
had happen to me

how you fold-and-sold
but still have a single share
which you check up on
and question all my worth

weekly thursday market crash
sold for less today
answered right away
"yes, i do remember."

"you can have all this"
tachycardia but
you stayed

mauling my neck electrode to sleep

i went home and
burned myself in the shower

can't have all that

no, can't have it all

he says he's finishing his last beer and then we can go.

i'm fine with this because i'm actually outside. silently pressing buttons. sending messages to the cardiologist to look closely right now because i feel like i'm imploding.

we've been here too long and i'm tired of talking to strangers. they keep referring to me by name. i wish i was better with names.

no i don't.

fyrtøiet

saucer eyed
dogs in a goddamn tinder box
their eyes
they grew

i had loved
long before the fable told
long before she clean forgot
long before i said i fell

some webcam girls
twirling around
blurred naked
on a pirate bay
side bar
ad

i stare
apathetic

i could pay
to watch her
doppelgänger
live!!!
no credit card!!!
only for me!!!

i remember seeing your hair in a zero gravity pose. weakness presenting itself as an endless mental flux while i sat at a boston pizza or jack astors(as if i care to remember).  absolutely loathing the pull i felt towards a similar table somewhere in the east.

you, with lazy fingers, getting angry at autocorrect. you have to press enough letters to make a word, dumbass.

visiting psychics
in place of
psychiatrists
weak men in a room of
white sage
and tarot cards
for a fee
everyone laughs themselves
to sleep

with the march hare freshly woken

and the ides planning perfect moments 

you started wearing your black watch again 

whenever we touched

the sun was smooth
you weren't looking

but if you were
you'd see me
sitting in the back seat
drunk

hitting caribou with a
truck
in my mind

you're paying for a silent drive
a private ride
falling in and out
on tinted windows
alongside the taxis
4 am
lakeshore

i'd offer you doors
and roll carpets at your feet
hold umbrellas and
lay down bugatti coats
without concern
for anyone behind us
-it's just a view for them

you're looking at me
i'm driving with my thumb
and index
you're blurring the separation
between us
i'm rolling up the partition
between us

i've been trying to show everyone your mannerisms
and why i need them
it seems very easy indeed
but your absence
fills lucid sleep
i would fall in the front aisle
of the chapel
staff picking up the corners of my life
slowly
offering me cigarettes
slowly

we are quietly kept
with mutual manners
so instead i've spit words like
self preservation
and
preventative maintenance
and they swirl from my mouth
like smoke lit fires
in rabbit holes
hounds waiting at the other end
to win

i've been missing you in the hallway.

i asked you to speak french. you were probably saying how absolutely stuck you felt by my side. i thought it was literally the most beautiful sound i had ever heard.

my favourite things

are things(i'm not sorry)

cars underwater

in blue swimming pools and 

warped palm trees

pictured from a dream scape

because i

can't just love an idea 

anymore

i need something to 

sink my fucking hands in

the idea of
irrelevancy
fuels a strange instinct
indeed

a sort of rural halcyon
getting stronger
by the way the light hits
their back

her obsession?
my hands
waving and holding
things on the down
low
she told me in confidence
she always thought
the smell of bleach accented the veins
i looked her sideways in the eye
and tried

she was right
my hands looked perfect
but her confidence was
shot

it was
8 am
some big-box store
in suburban
buffalo /radio/
cellino and barnes
888-8888
for goodness sake
the love
the love
the love

today
i bought a paper
a sandwich
stepped on a rhinestone
cried on the 401 east
cried on the 401 west
black creek
and jane street

fool me once?

shame on your mentality

but you fool me twice

three times

four times

i fell down seven times 

/even/

and got up six

can't stand your success
so in turn
can't stand near
/your car/
in my rear view
one headlight
tracing and keeping up
/mundane and/
it's fine
lined because
you never promised me
/shit/

crisp sheets

a bedframe to dehumanize

i just want to

press you against 

the coils

and answer questions 

apologies endless
for reworking
cerebral bygones
but they held headlines for me

like the first time i had
loved anything
bigger
than myself

i feel honest today
about our parthian shot

i wouldn't call it a graceful
lay off
but it made sense
why i should go

you were gentle 

i didn't hold up a bank
or anything

half a year under the belt
with such luck
and then
without
180 days
towards
a 180 degree
turn
i'm washed up
we're incommunicado
my fleeting
finger prints
in your life

god rays shut off
doves fly
into hydro wires
as if realizing
what you didn't want
was criminal

they have been clear-cutting
your conscience
so you clear-cut
your conscience
and fell asleep
on the softest pillow
ever felt

the trailers we saw at movies have released and gone to DVD and i never saw any of them.

i started at the beginning
examining you at the end of sentences
hoping i never sound too sad and
i finish the stories i read from memory
a lot of "you did what?!"
i rediscover my love

we met within fabricated accidents

to debate this, i would not,

for any life at all

dreary eyes for days and 

i couldn't focus anything

except a simple double take

and the trouble i found 

in looking away

an applause kept

(standing ovation)

just in case

i remember you bubbly over
channel orange
i couldn't hear it

naming all the best
described flawlessness
forrest gump
now someone plays it in my car
i hear their cigarettes and i wish
you weren't so far away
in your mind
all the time

an open book with a palisade
catching glimpses through the gates
of penance
and of patience
sending defenses
in different directions
fortify them, i will wait
won't tap my foot
won't actuate
the sunrise in the west
when two emotional masochists
first met

you left behind the rain

walking around the strip mall in a thin mist 

sun showers are mythological
and you believe them
only when you can grasp the wet sun

you spent half a year unhinging and unscrewing

getting ready for a change

so i could move a different way

i wove you a story
about you

you wove me a story
about you

you twist away and then in turn
THE KNIFE
i'm singing californ-i-a
but would i miss the changing seasons?
if suddenly there were none?

if you close the door, i'll miss you in the hallway.

no one else can hold a tune
quite like you do
i sang "tried so hard
to say goodbye."
all by myself

i told you things i used to tell my ceiling.

displace your malady onto me
(i handle it better then you may think)
we can share your Atlas weight
send me in to take the blame today
and tomorrow
and however long you want this order

your primordial beauty
you sided with the Titans
punished to keep thoughts apart
and disallow true love and faithless fate

as they wave; sunset and sunrise
then sit in peace with celestial rings
rotating in perfect alignment
if you're alright
then i'm alright

7/5/13

succeed, they say
i sit, generally apathetic
"it is the best revenge!"
when i don't want revenge